I feel like a zombie.
It feels like I'm going back to my shell again.
I'm shutting myself..
and it's difficult for me to come out again.
I'm so tired.
I feel sick..
I'm crying inside, and yes it feels terrible.
this is the worst form of crying.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Every day, I longed to see you whenever possible. Knowing what the consequences are, I still longed for your presence. I'm challenging fate itself, I believed in myself but somehow, I got tired. However I'm still not done yet, because I'm crazy. I've never been so crazy before..
I didn't want to leave, neither am I leaving just yet..
You're not just another passer by..
Recently I fell sick but I kept quiet, and I can't really bring out the best in me ..
I'm sorry.
Am I to surrender to my fate?
Who can I turn to? Who can I speak to?
I feel terrible .
我不要你走。。
我不想。。
I didn't want to leave, neither am I leaving just yet..
You're not just another passer by..
Recently I fell sick but I kept quiet, and I can't really bring out the best in me ..
I'm sorry.
Am I to surrender to my fate?
Who can I turn to? Who can I speak to?
I feel terrible .
我不要你走。。
我不想。。
Monday, April 20, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
The days grew closer everytime I close my eyes. Sleeping is bad, really bad ..
It's not that when I fall asleep you'll appear in my dreams.
Dear tracy, when will you reply to my message? People asked me to get moving already, perhaps they are disgusted at how pathetic my life is when I talk about you. They just don't understand, and I don't think they will..
Please, at least appear in my dreams once in every six months?!
It seems like every weekends get shorter than the previous', time seems to accelerate as the day is approaching. I hope time will slow down at this instance, it's better if time will stop. I don't want to leave.. I wanted to tell you something, but I don't think I will.
I'm not too good with words..
or maybe..
I'm just too scared ..
It's not that when I fall asleep you'll appear in my dreams.
Dear tracy, when will you reply to my message? People asked me to get moving already, perhaps they are disgusted at how pathetic my life is when I talk about you. They just don't understand, and I don't think they will..
Please, at least appear in my dreams once in every six months?!
It seems like every weekends get shorter than the previous', time seems to accelerate as the day is approaching. I hope time will slow down at this instance, it's better if time will stop. I don't want to leave.. I wanted to tell you something, but I don't think I will.
I'm not too good with words..
or maybe..
I'm just too scared ..
Sunday, April 12, 2009
hate
i hate this weird feeling inside my chest, its hard to get it out.
i'm losing sleep
i'm losing appetite.
i'm losing sleep
i'm losing appetite.
can you hear me from above?
tell me, what's it like to be staying up above? is it all white and pure or is it just blind assumption that it's really a wonderful place.
you haven't been replying to me since the day that year's good friday.
let me see how are you doing before everything starts to crumble again.
i want to talk to you, i want somebody to hear me out. someone to accompany through the night..
those 12 years were precious moments for me. these 12 years basically etched an image of you into me. 12 years ain't very short.
I want to express myself loudly, so i can be myself once again. at least i can be truthful to you.
..
..
..
you haven't been replying to me since the day that year's good friday.
let me see how are you doing before everything starts to crumble again.
i want to talk to you, i want somebody to hear me out. someone to accompany through the night..
those 12 years were precious moments for me. these 12 years basically etched an image of you into me. 12 years ain't very short.
I want to express myself loudly, so i can be myself once again. at least i can be truthful to you.
..
..
..
Saturday, April 11, 2009
with love ...
dear tracy,
up till now im still missing you every now and then. i felt really sad for my friend, whose dog passed away recently. i can understand how she felt. this also affected me, and i think this note here, will go to you. hopefully you can see this from above!
those were the days when you used to leap onto my bed to sleep. those were the days whenever im sad, there's you. you're always there walking about in the house, barking at whoever's at the door except for our own family members, waggling your short little tail.
i still remember that day when dad recalled us back to home, knowing that you may go anytime soon, i was afffected damn badly. i've cancelled all my plans and rushed home immediately. im glad that you're still breathing then. mom sat there to recite some funny stuff while sis will attend to you and i would sit there watching.
In the wee hours of the morning, big sis broke the news to me " tracy has passed away .. " I was damn sad and I didnt say anything much. I've tried not to show any emotions, and just to return to my room, finding myself staring into blank space. It's hard to bottle up my feelings, i've felt very bad then. then as the day got brighter dad and sister went to the wet market to look for styrofoam box. It's a makeshift coffin for you, so hope you dont mind. we did some of the preparations like how we do it to our human counterpart, or so i thought. i helped out abit, while i keep myself distracted by doing the preparations. I know it was contridicting, but it at least I could hold back my tears then.
And so, we've transported you to the crematorium. this is the part where i hated for every funeral. i hate coming to the crematorium, this is the place where all emotions go crazy. its mentally taxing! the staff prepared the furnance etc, while we just stood there waiting, waiting for something to happen. then they placed your body inside the furnance, and instructed us to take a final look at you. it was then, i couldn't hold my tears back anymore. i couldn't turn to face the furnance as the door shut slowly. i hate to cry, because when i do it'll take quite awhile - which it did. Even on my way home, my tears couldnt stop flowing.
all of these were 4 years ago then.
im sorry if i did not treat you well enough, but you're still being missed and remembered by me. if you can hear me, please appear in my dreams. let me see you again, let me feel you again.
you know dear im bad with dates, i cannot remember the exact date you passed away. but all i know it was a good friday then. so i shall treat it that for every good friday, it is your death anniversary okay?! (you better agree! cos if you don't i can't do anything to it)
since the day you're gone, my life consists of a void. im not able to express myself, no one is there when im sad. no one to talk to me when i wanted to talk to somebody. no one to understand me. i've kept all my problems to myself, i cant show my real self to people because, of the feeling they've given me. no one, really cared. no one really gave a damn.
It's 4 years since you passed away and yday was your 4th death anniversary. im sorry that im late.
my dear beloved dog.
with lots of love and memories,
...
..
..
P.S: I loved you more than i love anything else.. After your departure, I've turn really silent..
up till now im still missing you every now and then. i felt really sad for my friend, whose dog passed away recently. i can understand how she felt. this also affected me, and i think this note here, will go to you. hopefully you can see this from above!
those were the days when you used to leap onto my bed to sleep. those were the days whenever im sad, there's you. you're always there walking about in the house, barking at whoever's at the door except for our own family members, waggling your short little tail.
i still remember that day when dad recalled us back to home, knowing that you may go anytime soon, i was afffected damn badly. i've cancelled all my plans and rushed home immediately. im glad that you're still breathing then. mom sat there to recite some funny stuff while sis will attend to you and i would sit there watching.
In the wee hours of the morning, big sis broke the news to me " tracy has passed away .. " I was damn sad and I didnt say anything much. I've tried not to show any emotions, and just to return to my room, finding myself staring into blank space. It's hard to bottle up my feelings, i've felt very bad then. then as the day got brighter dad and sister went to the wet market to look for styrofoam box. It's a makeshift coffin for you, so hope you dont mind. we did some of the preparations like how we do it to our human counterpart, or so i thought. i helped out abit, while i keep myself distracted by doing the preparations. I know it was contridicting, but it at least I could hold back my tears then.
And so, we've transported you to the crematorium. this is the part where i hated for every funeral. i hate coming to the crematorium, this is the place where all emotions go crazy. its mentally taxing! the staff prepared the furnance etc, while we just stood there waiting, waiting for something to happen. then they placed your body inside the furnance, and instructed us to take a final look at you. it was then, i couldn't hold my tears back anymore. i couldn't turn to face the furnance as the door shut slowly. i hate to cry, because when i do it'll take quite awhile - which it did. Even on my way home, my tears couldnt stop flowing.
all of these were 4 years ago then.
im sorry if i did not treat you well enough, but you're still being missed and remembered by me. if you can hear me, please appear in my dreams. let me see you again, let me feel you again.
you know dear im bad with dates, i cannot remember the exact date you passed away. but all i know it was a good friday then. so i shall treat it that for every good friday, it is your death anniversary okay?! (you better agree! cos if you don't i can't do anything to it)
since the day you're gone, my life consists of a void. im not able to express myself, no one is there when im sad. no one to talk to me when i wanted to talk to somebody. no one to understand me. i've kept all my problems to myself, i cant show my real self to people because, of the feeling they've given me. no one, really cared. no one really gave a damn.
It's 4 years since you passed away and yday was your 4th death anniversary. im sorry that im late.
my dear beloved dog.
with lots of love and memories,
...
..
..
P.S: I loved you more than i love anything else.. After your departure, I've turn really silent..
All happy moments, have their limits
All happy moments, have their limits - Time. Time is something which we can't extend permanently, and when it's lost, its forever.
Went to watch Fast and furious 4 yesterday, the story line is not too bad but the race scenes were rather little! I wanna drive like them, it's really crazy that it gets adrenaline pumping. But singapore has too many god forsaken rules, i hate the speed limits! Anyway the muscles were really cool, loud and deep. how i wish i can own one in singapore, and again goddamn stupid laws.
time is ticking even as im typing.
counting down..
you have 19 days more.
Went to watch Fast and furious 4 yesterday, the story line is not too bad but the race scenes were rather little! I wanna drive like them, it's really crazy that it gets adrenaline pumping. But singapore has too many god forsaken rules, i hate the speed limits! Anyway the muscles were really cool, loud and deep. how i wish i can own one in singapore, and again goddamn stupid laws.
time is ticking even as im typing.
counting down..
you have 19 days more.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Fight laziness..
.. but apparently I failed.
Finally, all my spiders have grown big and left. Time for a short update. First up, Happy 22nd birthday Judy, age is catching up fast and so does wrinkles.
Many things happened within this short period of time, its the end of the work year whereby a new beginning is forging ahead. I'm "invited" to some regulars/officers work discussion @ NSRCC. It's totally a waste of my time, I'm neither an officer nor a regular, so why should I go? The bad thing is my 3days off are being canceled due to this. I cant help it but to complain - I detest the army. Friday went to sentosa with my battery for some cohesion activities, it was fun but the sun was scorching hot. Many of us were boiled crabs after that, and whats the best? The pain starts the following day, especially my back and my shoulders. I couldn't really sleep well recently due to the pain.
Went to some railway track around Bukit Timah yday with Siewkoon and Ziqing. Haven't seen her in such a long time, forever busy if not she's sick then cannot meet up, but im really glad that we met up yesterday. We went photo taking all over the place, totally fun and enjoyable. these are some of the photographs that i took.
"Feel the rain on your skin"
Skeleton of the haunted railway
Never ending railway
Finally, all my spiders have grown big and left. Time for a short update. First up, Happy 22nd birthday Judy, age is catching up fast and so does wrinkles.
Many things happened within this short period of time, its the end of the work year whereby a new beginning is forging ahead. I'm "invited" to some regulars/officers work discussion @ NSRCC. It's totally a waste of my time, I'm neither an officer nor a regular, so why should I go? The bad thing is my 3days off are being canceled due to this. I cant help it but to complain - I detest the army. Friday went to sentosa with my battery for some cohesion activities, it was fun but the sun was scorching hot. Many of us were boiled crabs after that, and whats the best? The pain starts the following day, especially my back and my shoulders. I couldn't really sleep well recently due to the pain.
Went to some railway track around Bukit Timah yday with Siewkoon and Ziqing. Haven't seen her in such a long time, forever busy if not she's sick then cannot meet up, but im really glad that we met up yesterday. We went photo taking all over the place, totally fun and enjoyable. these are some of the photographs that i took.
Haunted appartment
Waiting for something to happen
Waiting for something to happen
"Feel the rain on your skin"
Skeleton of the haunted railway
Never ending railway
Challenging the never ending railway.
Codename 772.7
The three of us, with a closing shot.
The three of us, with a closing shot.
That's about it, the rest you can see it in my fb profile.
You will continue to live well, you will not die. Endure through this times of difficult period and you'll see yourself picking up again. Promise me, don't give up on yourself.
You will continue to live well, you will not die. Endure through this times of difficult period and you'll see yourself picking up again. Promise me, don't give up on yourself.
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